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Jim Gray and Asses: Kissing ‘em if you're ballin', kicking ‘em if you're golfing

Jim Gray and Asses: Kissing ‘em if you're ballin', kicking ‘em if you're golfing

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Posted By Crazy Carl 11:48 AM

After Jim Gray embarrassed himself and pretty much the entire Fourth Estate in the ESPN's memorable "LeBron James Narcissistic Circle Jerk Special" last month, he must have felt the need to prove he wasn't some corporate cuckold sent to ask riveting and probing questions such as, "Do you still bite your nails?"

Gray went about the reclamation of his journalistic manhood on Wednesday at the PGA Championship at Whistling Straights in the always fun to say Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Gray, who was reporting for the Golf Channel, went penny loafer to penny loafer with US Ryder Cup captain Corey Pavin after a press conference, pointing a finger at Pavin's chest, calling him a "liar" and saying, "You're going down"—which is a phrase that I previously thought was only muttered by antagonists in ‘80s movies about karate, skiing or flying fighter jets.

All this stemmed from a fairly tame Tweet Pavin had posted earlier that morning:

"For the record, @golfchannel and Jim Gray has misquoted me re: picking Tiger. I never said such a thing and will not say a thing until 09/07"

The Tweet was in response to an earlier report by Gray that claimed Tiger Woods would be a captain's pick for the US Ryder Cup team if Tiger failed to qualify on his own. Gray quoted Pavin as saying, "Of course I'm going to [pick Tiger Woods]. He's the best player in the world." But Pavin would refute this, saying to Gray during the exchange, "If I had chosen anyone to tell this to, you wouldn't be 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5"—that according to ESPN's Tom Rinaldi .

So Pavin called Gray a liar. Gray called Pavin a liar and chaos ensued, which apparently was captured on Pavin's wife's cell phone which deserves a tangent on its own—and here it is: When did we as a society stop intervening in fights and start just recording them on our cell phones? Remember how there always use to be that one dude or girl who would get in the middle of any rising conflict and have everyone cool their shit? Now that person just whips out a Blackberry, hits record and giddily counts down the seconds ‘til they can post it on YouTube or Facebook.

OK, back to the fight, if you could even call it that, because in any other sport, this would be a non-story. But this is golf, a sport in which getting rowdy means clapping at more than five beats per second, so two dudes exchanging verbal punches after a press conference is tantamount to a hockey player splitting a stick over a player's head or a lacrosse team going on a raping.

And this is exactly what golf needs. With Tiger Woods having fucked himself out of the sport (figuratively and literally), golf needs something to grab the attention of the casual viewer. Because outside of white dudes over 40, no one gives a rat's ass about golf in this country. So get some rivalries, some bad blood, some possibility of fisticuffs, some Happy Gilmore up in this piece and I guaran-damn-tee their crappy ratings will get marginally less crappy.

Now I realize golf purists will find these sort of cheap, attention grabbing stunt beneath their "dignified" sport. Too bad. The PGA isn't the NFL. Or the NBA. Or even the NHL. Or worse, it's not even women's tennis. Three of those sports are exciting to watch. The fourth has Russian teens wearing short skirts. So golf folk are going to need to drop the holier than thou attitude if they'd like to hold on to what little relevance they have left in America's clutter sports landscape.

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