Ladies Square Dance

Relationship Secrets No One Wants to Talk About

I don't think anyone has to tell you that relationships are complicated. There are lots of resources out there that try and explain or give advice on how to handle them. However, as I have read, I find many of them lacking. They cover mostly the common sense stuff, like saying "I love you" and remembering anniversaries, but they leave off some of the uglier truths about relationships. So lets fill in a few of the gaps.

Getting Outside Help

What I have noticed is that most guides cover issues affecting newer relationships. Only specialized books cover problems that accompany long-term couplings and they again usually dish out the same advice about rekindling the flames of love, when in fact there may not always be any sparks left to rekindle.

When the fire starts to leave a long-term relationship let nature take its course. When partners gets bored that is when they cheat. But looking for fulfillment outside the relationship can be an important test. The outside fling will inevitably lead to a confrontation. If there is nothing to salvage in your relationship, you'll fight and eventually split and move on. If the love is still there the infidelities will bring it to the surface and can often save the relationship and may even make it stronger than ever.

Yes it is painful and no it is not fool proof but this is how it usually ends up anyway even after all the role playing and counseling. In newer relationships outside trials are more accepted as a test. "Let's see other people!" is a familiar phrase, and often it is agreed (however reluctantly) by both parties that this is a good test as to the strength of the burgeoning relationship.

Don't Poke Out The Wandering Eye

There are of course signs that a relationship is losing steam, among them is a waning sex life, emotional distancing and strange charges on credit card statements. But checking out a nice ass is not a sign of anything but being alive. This goes for both women and men. A quick tip for this very common situation is do not turn it into a fight, turn it into a night. When you catch your partner taking a gander at some passing eye candy, instead of blowing a perfectly normal human reaction out of proportion, turn it into a game. Playfully tease them about getting caught; this can lead to a strengthening of bonds plus a greater trust and understanding.

Address The Issue

Instead of going into the signs of a deteriorating relationship, lets take a look at some common causes that are often overlooked and usually play a bigger role than forgetting an important date or never buying flowers.

Very often, in a relationship people become comfortable with each other and their life together. The drive to attract a mate fades away and the first thing to go is attention to ones appearance. This is, either consciously or sub-consciously, a major factor in holding things together. It is after all the reason you got together in the first place and is the basis of almost all human attraction. If he lusted after your firm round ass or she got fluttery over your six-pack (or any other combination), you had better keep those things as long as you can. Basically if you let yourself go, be prepared to be let go.

This is especially true for women. The harsh truth is that women begin loving men for their "details" much sooner in a relationship. For men the primary attraction will remain physical for much longer. So ladies those little idiosyncrasies that melt your heart 3 months into it, are not going to be a major factor in his feeling towards you for maybe 10 months. So if that tiny waste-line goes early on then so will his attention. But this does not let the guys off the hook either, she may love you for the way you hold a sandwich, but don't forget it is your ripping back she is digging her nails into.

When The End Comes

Fortunately or unfortunately, whatever the circumstances, relationships come to an end. It is always nice to end things as friends, after all this person has been an important part of your life and it would be a shame to lose them all together. But be warned, the "Lets be friends" breakup has hidden hazards. Think very carefully before you make promises; can you truly handle seeing your former partner with another? If you cannot handle the image of your ex heaving sweaty breaths of passion under the pleasures of another, you are not keeping a friend, you are dragging out a one sided relationship and heading for even greater heartbreak.

This is especially important for guys. Men have a greater sense of detachment between sex and emotion, but men are also prone to territorialism and when you toss emotion in there it is a bad mix. Where as for a woman the thought of her man with a new lover is heartbreaking, it can be violently infuriating to a man. Most of the time the real pain of a breakup for a guy is not so much losing a life partner, but being replaced by another guy.

So the best thing to do if you decide to try and be friends is, don't expect to move from lovers to buddies over night. Take it slow and keep distance in the beginning. If there is a friendship there, a few months of not seeing each other, and more importantly NOT knowing what is happening in the others life, will not hurt a thing. True friends can get together after years of no contact and pick up right where they left off. The important thing is to understand that when it is over it is over. Dragging out a failed relationship is the worse thing that you can do to yourself.

Childhood Lessons

All of this applies even more the younger you are. With youth comes the need to grow and experience, which includes relationships. As children your heart is free to be fickle, because social convention allows a child’s love to be non-committal. So why do we put such a burden on ourselves as adults?

We should take a page from childhood. What we devalue by calling a childhood crush was in fact love, perhaps even more pure than we are capable of in adulthood. The heartbreaks are the same; watching your love in 6th grade share milk with another was no less painful as it is seeing them having a secret luncheon with another at 35.

However, very often our youthful passions of 20 years past are revisited fondly in our memories; the first kiss under the bleachers, or running off for the day just to explore that warmth of being together. When you look back you can still feel the glow in your heart often to such a degree that even the recollection of the loves end is a fond memory. Where as an adult, many times we cannot recall one good thing about a realtionship we had 6 months ago. So when did we lose this ability to recover from heartbreak and move from love to love enjoying the moment of it without regret or malice? More importantly, how can we regain it?

The Big Square Dance

Love comes and goes; perhaps our quest to find that one perfect soul mate is where our heartache lays. If we were to embrace each relationship for the time that it exists and then set it off joyfully when it ends, celebrating the experience, instead of mourning the lose, maybe we would be happier. Instead of dragging along the baggage and pain we do now, we would carry from relationship to relationship all the positives and joy of the previous. We would quite literally be sharing the love. Then if you think about it, with all there is to learn from one another, it is unfair to ourselves and certainly selfish towards others to lock into a pairing and never branch out.

In that, no relationship would ever really end.

About the Author

Are wing tips (dress shoes) out of style? Do I need to buy some new shoes?

I've got a formal dance type thing coming up for my medical school class and I'd like to make a good impression on the ladies. I've always worn my Johnston and Murphy wing tips whenever I wear a suit, but when I mentioned that it was time to break out the wing tips again, a couple of my friends laughed and said that they are way out of style! They say I need something with a square toe or whatever. I'm interested mainly in the ladies' opinion since they are the ones I care to impress. Please help!? Do I need new shoes, or can I go with the classic?

I consider wing tips to be a classic; i.e. never going out of style. They may not be considered trendy at this point in time, but trends come and go. I still say they're classic and brands wouldn't still be manufacturing them if they weren't being worn.

http://www.zappos.com/n/es/d/722000004/page/1.html

State Square Dance Convention 2010 - Red Hat Ladies

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