Exercise Dancing Bead

Transitions

One of my earliest transitions was when my older sister left for college.

The night when my family (minus one) returned home, I broke down sobbing in the confines of my bedroom. I knew that my life had forever changed. I felt without a shadow of a doubt that life as I had experienced it up until that point would never be the same. What was occurring was the ending and letting go of what I had been- a little sister. Now that my older sister was no longer there physically, I would have to find a new role for myself.

I had lost my sense of self via the role of "a little sister" –right down to those physical activities that shaped my experience of being a little sister. When I knocked on the door of her bedroom, I would no longer anticipate the response "What do you want?", or "Later."  Void, instead, would answer.

And in that emptiness, or what William Bridges refers to as the "fertile emptiness" that follows transitions, "the Gap" exists and seems to expand eternally. Maneuvering and navigating in the void, or gap, can feel as awkward and futile as dancing with two left feet, keeping leaves on a tree, or holding the ocean back with a broom. It doesn't feel logical; instead it feels counterintuitive, unproductive, and like a living hell. Very little wonder that we Type A personalities rebel by filling up the gap with a lateral move, and more of the same will only keep us in the gap dreadfully longer. Remember the definition of Insanity?

The Gap, or Void, that follows transitions and changes in our lives, defies all rational and logic as we know it- but very few can admit it. To do so would surely meet defeat, and thus deeper abyss. But here is the thing, if one really wants transformation, the passage after transition – one must make different choices about what one believes, how one thinks, and where one places attention.

If I sound preachy, this is not my intention. We coaches suffer the Gap as well. As I write this article, I have opted for transition from a key relationship in my life, and believe me- I am just as scared, my heart aches with dull pain at times, and self-doubt visits every 8 minutes on the hour some days. What is different is that I am ready to exercise my faith by residing temporarily in the "fertile emptiness." Yes, I wish I had a good book to help me pass the time, or a chatty friend that would distract me from my own confusion. But this time around, I know I am here for a reason, and I am choosing transformation.

I do nothing, but wait.

I try not to suppress, nor act on, my logic when it shouts, "Why are you here in nothingness – do something, anything to get out of this place! Work some more, work harder- use this time to catch up and move ahead."  My heart beats faster with the possibility of replacing that which is now leaving with someone new, as my soul cries, "Just fill me up quickly."

And still, I do nothing.

I have opted to actively wait, be patient and experience this Gap in all its uncomfortability and awkwardness. I want transformation. I want to grow. And in the current human context, the only way to grow is to change. And change takes time, a lot of waiting and much patience. Even more trust in the unseen unknown.

Let change in. Let it lead you to your next phase of development. Trust that it is here not only for a reason, but the best reason. The pain comes from us trying to hold on, clench tighter, rationalize, fight against, resist, swim upstream, keep the leaves on the tree, and hold the ocean back with a broom. When we resist change, we are resisting the natural laws. I journal on my feelings; I talk to trusted sources I know feel the same way, so they can offer hope and support of what I am going through. I read a lot of books on the topic, one in particular who was written by a man my father's age, 78 – William Bridges. His book I am referring to is called Transitions, and it feels like returning home. The subject of transition makes up much of our classics and modern stories. It is enduring and inescapable.

Transition is here to stay. So I strive to let it in, and get to know it. I even participate and interact with it and with the goal I can cope more effectively.

Thus far, I have found three coping strategies for dealing with transition. They are:

1. Give yourself permission to do the small stuff in life and stay at this level until you decide its time to move on. This is perhaps the one time I recommend to myself and my clients to underachieve. Be in the moment, delve headstrong into the ordinary minutia and revel in your production on this basic level. For instance, now is the time to rearrange that junk drawer, transfer out old clothes from your closet into large garbage bags to be dropped off at Goodwill. Go empty out a closet by ridding it of useless items- less is more in this phase. Strive for simplicity by stripping, ridding, and letting go of those material things that no longer serve you. As you perform this external event of decluterring and shredding, your mind will begin to catch up. This brings me to coping strategy #2.
2. Practice self care through resting, relaxing and renewing. Here's the thing about transition, the inner changes take longer and require more energy to catch up with the outer events that define the transition. Said another way, the external happenings of our lives can change on a dime. The inner changes that occur as the result of the outer events need a longer period of time to play catch up; our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and attitudes require more sorting, and are often harder to access. Therefore, your immediate nourishment comes from any activity that brings you rest, relaxation and renewal. Make a list of ten activities that bring your inner calm, peace, centeredness and grounded-ness. I have a client that had a grand time by making her list start with words that began with the letter "S." This way, she easily remembered what her relaxation goals were (e.g., sleeping, singing, stringing beads, sunning, swimming, and strolling).
3. Finally, try to connect with what you want and desire in the most natural and authentic sense. Here's a great exercise from Transitions (by the way, I recommend that you read William Bridges' book): focus on what you want to eat and notice how you arrive at your answer of meal choice. Do you go down into your tummy and ask what it is hungry for, what will satisfy the gurgling or emptiness? Or do you arrive at the answer through your head by thinking what foods are appropriate for the next meal, your current diet plan, your budget allowance, or what is currently available in your refrigerator? If the process of thinking about what you want is built on should ofs, would ofs, could ofs, and what is available logically or realistically, you are not "wanting." Instead, you are thinking, comparing, judging, eliminating, and assessing. A want is experienced on a visceral level-it's answered by your body and its feelings-not your head. Give it a try. What are you hungry for?

You can contact Amy at 832-419-0639 or Opt-In to be a free member of her online community .

About the Author

Amy Robinson is a certified life coach, success and reinvention specialist who specializes in helping professional women and men move to the next level in their lives or businesses. By motivating clients to challenge their own self talk and limiting thoughts, Amy is able to help steer them to take action and achieve their goals. If you are ready for the next level of life, to live deeper into your own full potential, and Aspire Higher, Amy is the success coach to contact. Read Amy's Story and learn how she transitioned from corporate warrior to entrepreneur of a thriving national life coaching business, helping other successful women and men reach their potential!

For Success Tips on how to move forward in your life, sign up for Amy's bi-weekly newsletter on her blog or website.

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