Deep Vamp Pointe

Shy Girls Guide to Sex

Men have no idea how much women talk about sex.  They also don’t realise how swiftly girl-gaggles get down to the nitty-gritty, the detail of which would startle most men.  In between bouts of hilarity, women swap anecdotes about men’s size, duration, technique, giving the impression that nothing is too sacred to scrutinise.  But on closer examination, could this banter be a decoy to cover for the most untouchable topic of all; the vulnerability many females feel about sex? 

While animals get on with doing ‘it’, humans have made such a song and dance about something that is as natural as sleeping and the rules and taboos can turn the hottest woman into a frosty ice-block in bed. 

When I was growing up, good girls weren’t supposed to have sex at all.  Good married girls were expected to do their duty and the idea of female orgasm was little more than preposterous.  Then lurve-making was freed by the marvels of contraception and every self-respecting hippy thumbed their noses at convention by shagging with alacrity.  Now the daisy-chains of the ‘60’s have been replaced by the manacles of the vamp and the pressure is on for women to perform. 

Today the natural form of tender loving sex has become passé and marketing has seduced women into being on constant sex alert; to have ready shaven legs, a well manicured Brazilian, perky breasts and sanitised female parts that have the fragrance of artificial rose-petals instead of a musty old sack.  Not only does this inhibit the spontaneity of a lustful ‘quickie’ but some also believe that their well manicured body has to be covered in elaborate outfits worn with the sole intention of being taken off.

While dressing up is a matter of personal preference, if women feel pressurised to do so the big question is: who are they doing this for? Do females really turn themselves on when trying to squeeze into their old school gymslip?

Now I’m nearly six foot tall and have the characteristic spread of middle-age; so it’s just ludicrous to imagine what this would look like in a cute little French Maid’s outfit.  I also know that if my man wore his underpants on the outside of his tracksuit and flew at me from the top of the wardrobe, I would fall about laughing and, at our age, he may risk losing more than his erection.

One of the things the Vagina Monologues set out to achieve was to bring the diversity of female sexuality into normal conversation.  But for starters even using the word ‘vagina’ was problematic.  Some female callers to radio stations had the typical shock-and-horror reaction to this word being touted in public. Perhaps they would be more comfortable with any of the hundreds of vulgar euphemisms used to demean the only part that makes us definitively female. 

This inability to utter the word points to the baggage attached to female sexuality and it is this that leads many women to feel shy about bonking.  Parents seldom deal with sex as if it were an everyday topic to be discussed openly with children and their self-consciousness is interpreted as shame. 

My first sex-education was a rather awkward clinical tour of vaginal tracts, Fallopian tubes and sperm sacs delivered by a nun at the convent I attended.  Even at age 11 the credibility problem was patently obvious; what could a celibate nun possibly know about sex?

This clinical version certainly didn’t include ideas about sex being the most fun you can have with or without your clothes on and topics like oral sex and masturbation weren’t just hush-hush, they weren’t even mentioned.  The most common misconception about masturbation was that it made boys go blind; ensuring that the bespectacled class nerd was ridiculed mercilessly. 

Understanding one’s own body is the key to breaking down socially imposed sexual bashfulness, claims sex therapist Marlene Wasserman - aka Dr Eve on popular radio talk shows.  Author of Pillowbook, Dr Eve recommends that girls masturbate every day giving new meaning to the phrase: “I got it all this morning”.  Apparently there’s no getting around it, only by regularly paddling the pink canoe will you come to grips with the buttons that turn you on.

There are many how-to books on the market but says Dr Eve; all women’s bodies are different and when it comes to learning about orgasms, there is no one-size-fits-all.   She adds: “Books that recommend pushing a bit here and tweaking a little there harm women.”  Many may try these techniques but if they fail, the reader believes there’s something wrong with herself, not that there’s something wrong with the book.

Instead Dr Eve advises learning about one’s sexuality as a process rather than some handy techniques, and the starting point is to be as familiar with the contours of your vulva as we are with the lines on our face.

Just the idea of squatting naked on a mirror produces some extraordinary reactions in women.  From reluctance to revulsion, the lack of enthusiasm for becoming familiar with one’s own vagina calls attention to the deep-rooted conditioning underpinning sexual shyness or shame.  

From God’s lips to man’s ears, female sexuality was contrived as the source of evil and consequently girls need to overcome many illusory bad feelings about sex.  Guilt is the big baddie here and even young girls still condemn other sexily dressed teenagers with insults like ‘slut’ and ‘whore’.  Not so long ago these tags were used for women who slept around, but what shows up the absurdity is that no one ever knew how many partners it took.   Was it a total of two, ten or forty-three different lovers that turned one into a ‘ho’?

Fabled ideas about female sexuality mean that girls often fall-back upon the misguided notion that men know what to do.  This is a disastrous falsehood as most boys resort to the school playground or the movies for their sex-ed.  I’ve often wondered whether those ‘educated’ solely by cine-sex believe that the most common sexual position is the one with the woman cheerfully bouncing around on top.  The only reason for this becoming the movie standard is because such an arrangement provides the best camera shot of her voluminous breasts.

As men are equally in the dark when it comes to sex-ed, most report that they would prefer their women to guide them rather than having to rely upon assumptions; or make the mistake of basing their judgement on what a previous lover liked.

Another major inhibiting factor for women is the obsession with physical perfection.  Many agonize that their cellulite, wobbly bum or tell-tale love-handles will turn their partner off.  What few females realise is that he’s so preoccupied with getting his end away that he’s unlikely to even notice these self-proclaimed imperfections. 

What’s the point of using your imagination to put yourself down anyway?  Self-flagellation won’t alter his view; it will only switch your libido off.  Instead therapists like Dr Eve recommend using your imagination to think yourself into a state where you start feeling sexy and desirable. 

Along with learning about sex, we also need to unlearn the fables that led us down the garden path to inhibition and frustration. Sex is not a stage performance; it is the most natural act of all.  So instead of nattering to friends, who you may be unlikely to wish to bed, how about starting to have conversations with the partners in whose hands our sexual satisfaction lies? 

About the Author

Stephanie Vermeulen runs seminars on Applied Emotional Intelligence and Women's Issues in business and public forums as well as being an inspiring speaker, writer and personal coach. Her books, 'Kill the Princess: Why Women Still Aren’t Free from the Quest for a Fairytale Life'(USA) / ‘Stitched-up: Who Fashions Women’s Lives?’ (South Africa) & ‘EQ: Emotional Intelligence for Everyone’ are available from leading bookstores and online from Amazon.com and Kalahari.net. She can be contacted via her website http://www.eqsa.co.za.

How do I reinforce the box of my pointe shoes?

I love my pointe shoes in every respect except for the fact that my foot sticks out over the box. It's hard to describe... I would call it a reverse bunion. It's like a bunion, but on the outside of my foot instead of the inside. I need something that will strengthen or reinforce that part of my pointe shoes so my foot is better supported in that spot. Please don't suggest I order a different box size, because I have, and even the largest size with the deepest vamp still needs help. Thanks!

You may reinforce it with glue as Alice suggested, but if I understand what you are describing it will be extremely painful for you. With previous pointe shoes that I have had, I have constantly gotten blisters on my bunionett. When I finally found a pair that allowed it to have some room outside of the box I was very relieved. My suggestion would be to leave your shoes alone or to have your teacher or someone who can see the shoes and the problem in person help you.
Good luck!

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